Carnegie got his ideas and stories of the book from interviews with successful people from his time and from his courses on business and communication.
The principles shown in this book will help you improve social interactions, making you more empathetic and charismatic. It is a book that I will for sure re-read more than once, to make sure i get the best from the people i interact with.
Part 1
Fundamental techniques in handling people
1- Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
The act of criticism is futile, it only makes the other person go into a defensive state, leading to the feeling of resentment.
Understanding the other persons point of view, why the person acts like it does, is much more profitable than criticism or condemnation.
2- Give honest and sincere appreciation.
We like to feel important, when someone appreciate us we feel understood and we connect with the other person becoming much more open to their ideas.
When we receive a honest compliment we start holding the person who gave it in high regard, for she made us feel appreciated.
3- Arouse in the other person and eager want.
The only way to influence someone to do something is making that person want to do it.
If you go fishing you get worms as bait, you don't question why the fish prefer worms over strawberries. You think what they want, no what you want. You influence people by showing them what is in it for them that they, not you, want .
Part 2
Six ways to make people like you
1- Become genuinely interested in other people.
"You can make more friends in 2 months by being genuinely interested in other people than 2 years by trying to make other people interested in you."
2-Smile.
Smiling is an effortless action with tremendous results. A genuine smile fosters happiness in you and the people around you.
3- Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
A single act that can boost your charisma is to remember peoples names. I struggle a lot with this and i feel worse if the other person remembers my name. The name is supposed to be what identifies the individual, people look when their name is called. And saying it during a conversation engages people attention.
4- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Most people don't really care about what you have to say. Everyone is busy taking care of their own life. Encouraging people to talk about themselves is a sure way to make someone feel comfortable around you.
5- Talk in terms of the other person's interest.
The best way to lead someone somewhere is by showing them what they have to gain from it that interests them. Do this and people will give you all their attention and will be eager to work with you.
6- Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.
People like being respected. Showing respect and making the person feel important will in turn make the other person respect you and value you.
Do unto other as you would like done unto you.
Part 3
Win people to your way of thinking.
1- The only way to get the best out of an argument is to avoid it.
Arguing doesn't produce anything positive. Even if you win the argument, the other person will feel resentment and will cooperate only in the presence of authority.
2- Show respect for the other person's opinion. Never say, "You're wrong."
When you don't respect the other persons opinion and openly convey they are wrong you assault the other person intelligence. Saying "you are wrong" is the same as saying i know better than you so discard your knowledge and listen to me instead.
3- If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
It takes courage to assume our own mistakes. Still is a lot more beneficial than trying to defend them. People will see you as a more noble and trustworthy individual. Admitting our own mistakes requires honesty specially with ourselves and when you do it on a critical situation people will take a softer approach with you.
If people have something to say to you let them hear what they are going to say and they will be left without anything to say.
4- Begin in a friendly way.
"A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gal." If you want someone to take your side, don't be hostile with them, don't try to force them to agree with you. Instead become a friend for that person, look after their interests and they will look for yours.
5- Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
Emphasize what you agree, when you have different ideas than the other person start by looking for a common ground and from there you ask questions that people will agree on and will move them to your position. Socrates as the father of this technique did it in Athens, and would get people to agree to concepts they would disagree minutes before. This also is used a lot in sales and it is known as the "Socratic Method".
6- Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
People like to talk, more than they enjoy listening, so do them the favor and listen, they will appreciate your for that.
Sometimes people just need someone to talk to so they can express and clear their head, they don't need advice, they know their situation better than anyone and perhaps they can get to the solution solely by expressing themselves.
7- Let the other person feel that he idea is his or hers.
Instead of just saying directly your idea, lead the conversation so that the person takes the conclusion himself. An individual commits to an idea much more when they feel it is their own.
8- Try honestly to see things from the person's point of view.
Only by understanding the wants and needs of the other individual you can arrange your ideas to show them how your ideas can benefit them.
9- Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
Understand that everyone enjoys different things. Everyone has their point of view. And if you want them on your side you should respect them.
10- Appeal to nobler motives.
People tend to hold themselves in high regard and like to think of themselves as someone righteous. Appealing to nobler motives appeals to the character of the person, making the action no longer personal but rather one of character and nobility.
11- Dramatize the ideas.
Telling a story to convey an idea is much more subtle and emotionally engaging. People listen more attentively and the conclusion is much better understood.
12- Throw down a challenge.
Bringing out the competitive side of people maybe productive but challenging constantly an lead to resentment.
Challenge people when its a matter of character.
Part 4
Leadership. How to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment.
1- Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Praising people will make them feel important which in turn will make people have you in high regard.
2- Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
People understand and comply better if you give them a hint and they won't feel humiliated, they will respect you for that.
3- Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Talking about your own mistakes puts you on the same plane has the other person, you won't seem so authoritarian which won't create resentment.
4- Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Ask their opinion on the task. It will make people feel more involved, even though they will probably agree with you, and if they don't they might have something important to say.
5- Let the other person save face.
Never humiliate anyone and let the other person decide to assume responsibility, otherwise you'll be seen as a snitch.
6- Praise the slightest improvement and every improvement. Be "hearty in your probation and lavish lavish in your praise."
Praising is an important part of leadership. It makes people feel important, engaged and appreciated.
7- Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Give a person a good reputation and they'll do their best effort to not let you down. This works best when you have the respect from the other person.
8- Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Only the people can change themselves and if they feel overwhelmed they will feel demotivated. Make it seem like it easy to change and with time and enough encouragement people will improve and make the change by themselves.
9- Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
If the other person understand the benefits of the task being done, the person will do it happier and with more pride.
I think the most important idea from this book is "to be genuinely interested in other people." If you want to make friends forget yourself for a while and learn about the people around you, greet them everyday, smile and never be rude, people will see you as a friendly person, you will become a friendly person. Suddenly, everyone you meet becomes your friend.
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